Friday, 17 April 2015

Where I’m coming from

May 26, 2006: Let me begin with a stanza from a poem that I wrote about 20 years ago.

In dreams, in fevered dreams I seek
The meaning of my days.
In mists I grope, of shadows ask
In swirling darkness hope to find
The meaning of my fevered days.
The light of day has left me blind.
No, I don’t think this is superlative poetry. But to me, it is deeply meaningful, and it expresses the way I have lived my life. Specifically, it signifies a turning away from the light of everyday life, which blinds me to the more subtle truths. I reject the notion of normalcy, which society deems as sanity. I believe that true sanity is a spectrum that runs all the way from the well-lit pathways of everyday life to the greys and black of the strange, inexplicable  and perhaps even unjustifiable behaviour that all humans may be capable of, but only some of us permit ourselves.

Once, many years ago, I remember telling my dad in the course of a discussion: “What seems normal to you is not necessarily normal to me, because I’m facing away from this life of appearances and searching for something beyond… something more true. If the world is a closed cave (i.e. without an entrance or exit), then I see all of you as sitting with your backs to the wall, stoking a fire… and I see me as scrabbling at the cave walls with my fingernails, looking for a hidden exit that opens to a greater reality. So obviously, you and I cannot agree on a lot of things.”

That’s me. That’s the me that nobody seems to understand, least of all my family. That’s the me nobody except myself values.  

And no, before you should wonder: I’m not suicidal, I’m not on drugs, I’m a teetotaller with zero interest in alcohol or any other addictive substances. But I do have an explosive temper… mainly because (Is this reason or rationalization? You decide) I get frustrated by the amount of energy that I have to expend in just trying to live the life I want in some small degree. It continually irks me that while my family loves KR-the-breadwinner-the-caregiver-the-outer-man, nobody has even the least interest in what KR-the-mystic or KR-the-seeker thinks or wants. If anything, they think of the latter as a troublemaker, who pulls out a wildcard everytime things seem to be settling into normalcy.

And I have found it impossible to communicate to them that if you want the full benefit of KR-the-father and KR-the-husband, then you simply cannot afford to ignore or wish away KR-the-seeker, who is, contrary to what anybody may like to believe, the engine that drives this guy.

But they persist in trying to erase the identity of KR-the-seeker. Frustrating!

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