A man’s life: shagging in private & good humoured grumbling in public

One of my friends recently remarked in his blog: “Men romance and woo women, be thoughtful to them, take care, promise to protect them, slay dragons, scale mountains…. with only one goal on their minds – to get between the legs of the unsuspecting starry-eyed one. Women, on the other hand, allow men to have sex with them with the hope that somewhere down the line they will romance and woo them, be thoughtful to them, take care, promise to protect them, slay dragons, scale mountains. Thats how procreation continues and the two parties maintain some equilibrium!”

From this, one would conclude that Civilization is based on two mutually complementary lies, or illusions.But my case is that our current civilization is based on an uneven contract –  one side being socially enforceable, and the other side, not.

Feminine strategy consists essentially of saying to the male, more with body language than anything else, “Marry me, commit to me and my offspring, and I’ll see to it that you’ll never go to bed disgruntled and world-weary again. You’ll never ever have to fist off again, so help me God!” No, she doesn’t ever say it, but she keeps implying it thousands of little ways, until she finally gets him to commit.

On the male side of the deal, he recklessly makes an extravagant promise: “I’ll treat you like a queen. Your every wish shall be my command. I’ll never force you to have sex against your will. Looking after you and our family will henceforth be my only pleasure, so help me God!”

Unfortunately for him, he makes these promises that are largely visible, tangible and measurable, and he has to declare this intent before society. Also, it is socially honourable for her to demand, loud and clear, that he should come through on these promises that are so much a part of their marriage vows. 
Unfortunately, the female half of the deal — which is the secret, shameful part — is as a rule never fulfilled, and after the honeymoon is over, the male is reduced to quiet shagging in private and good-natured patni-peedith jokes in public. Because it is socially dishonourable for him to demand that she should keep her half of the deal. Because she can just turn arond and say, “Hey Bhagwan! Dekho inhone mujhe kya samajh rakha hai. Aapko sharm nahin aati, ji? Mein appke bachon ki maa hun! Kuch sochke toh bola karo!” And society, which includes other patni-peedith men of all ages, straightfacedly look down on him as if to say, “You poor fellow! Why couldn’t you just keep quiet and salvage your honour, as we have been doing all these years? Because that’s all we now have left, you know!”

But you know what? The fight doesn’t end there. Because, as many women know, their thwarted husbands find ways to deny them the pleasures of life.

“Darling, it’s our anniversary. You’ll take me out for a candlelight dinner tonight, won’t you?” says she, starry eyed. “Yes dear, I’ll be home at 6 sharp,” says he smoothly, with no intentions of doing anything except switching off his cellphone at 5 pm sharp and sauntering in guiltily at 10.30. Naturally, tearful scenes follow; the air goes thick with apologies, accusations, counter accusations, invectives etc.

End result: he sleeps on the couch, tosses and turns in frustration, and finally fists himself to sleep at 4 am. She tosses and turns, alone in their double-bed, thinks how right her mother was, and finally cries herself to sleep. The next morning, both wake up in a sour mood and slurp their tea in silence. Eventually, one of them will apologize, and they will kiss and make up.

Life will go on as usual. But will the fundamental cause of the problem be redressed? Maybe… just maybe his wife will go out of her way to make the following night extra special, to give him the comforting illusion that his dear wife has at long last decided to bring back the magic into their marriage.

But long term? You guessed it. Women will live in misery day after day, and risk being stifled with their pillows night after night, but they cannot for the life of them bring themselves to regularly make love at decent intervals — like once in two or three days. (If you think your wife is different, brother, all the best to you, but you probably haven’t been married long enough yet!)

It’s no use complaining, boys. They are hardwired that way.

But what really gets my goat is that they have the gall to whine that they are living in a Man’s World! Yeah, right!

[Prolonged Postscript: I’m not done ranting yet! There was the recent case of the bald University professor whose wife beat him up, and his collegian lover-girl, on television. He has already been publicly humiliated, and his wife has the sympathy of of the public and the blogosphere. Clearly, the man has not kept his end of the deal, and that’s a given.

Now will somebody ask his wife whether she kept her end of the deal? Anybody who asks this question is in for some serious booing, but I shall ask: “Did you regularly clean out the plumbing, madam? Did you render seva tenderly and meticulously? Was your servicing regular and of a good quality? Or did you, like most of your sisters, just stand on your so-called marital rights?”

I can see already hear the rotten eggs and tomatoes whistling through the air. Excuse me while I duck!]