Tuesday, 5 May 2015

A Married Man's position on Marital Rape

I would like to stick my neck out and make A MARRIED MAN'S POSITION abundantly clear in the context of the MARITAL-RAPE DEBATE. Yes, I may end up being considered brutish, but still, I believe these are the down-and-dirty facts of life. Deal with it.
The situation for a married man is like this:
1) Regardless of whether his wife has sexual needs or not, a man definitely has sexual needs.
2) If on a particular day, if the wife is not available for satisfying his needs (not in the mood, unwell, tired, generally unhappy with life, doesn't feel loving towards her husband, the presence of kids and relatives in the house are hindering, etc.), then a man normally waits... but there is a limit to his patience, and his patience wears down over a span of some days or weeks.
3) If the wife continues to be unavailable, and the days turn into weeks and months, then
a) he must act like a monk and stay content with masturbation, OR
b) he must find a suitable consenting sexual partner outside his marriage.
4) If a man exercises Option (a) i.e. remains sexless, then he starts wondering why-the-fuck he got married. What is the meaning of love if his wife is acting like his auntie in bed, and forcing him to act like a horny teenager? Slowly, as sexual frustration builds, other aspects of the marriage start getting adversely affected.
5) Whereas, if a man exercises Option (b), i.e. finds a sexual partner outside marriage, then it is defined as infidelity, cheating and adultery. Needless to say, his wife starts throwing tantrums and starts telling the world that she married a lying, cheating, two-timing bastard. Whose fault is it that he is that way?
6) There is an option (c) which I did not mention earlier, i.e. He takes his wife by force, against her will. How much force? Well, that depends on how she responds. But if he does that, then he becomes this dreaded animal called the MARITAL RAPIST, and she, poor thing, deserves all the sympathy that civilized society and the judiciary can give her.
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In response to the above, a Facebook friend wrote: "There is one more option that people usually overlook. That is honest discussion about the problems, if possible as marriage counseling." My response is: the wife has to be willing to come for counselling, be willing to modify her behaviour in response to counselling. Sorry to generalize, but most Indian women are not amenable to even minor changes in behaviour. (I'm not saying that men are, but I am saying emphatically that women are not.)
OPTION (D) = DIVORCE. Can a man can leave his wife for not giving him conjugal rights, or cruelty of deprivation? Suppose a man goes to court and says, "My marriage has been consummated, we have two children to show for it, but now my wife gives me no response in bed... or she responds like a cold fish. I want a divorce." I think this doesn't work in India.
It is next-to-impossible for a guy to prove that he isn't getting any action at home. No-sex is virtually impossible to prove with any sort of evidence, even if it is 100% true. Worse, it won't even get him any sympathy from society or from the judiciary. It will just destroy whatever is left of his social standing and self esteem.
Contrarily, it is way easier for a woman to prove that her husband raped her (even if he didn't). That accusation sticks very easily, even if she has a couple of self-inflicted scratches or bruises to show, and she will get endless sympathy from society and judiciary.
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